Dear
friends, I have recently been the victim of some unfortunate, and deeply
improbable incidents. I feel like there is something going on here beyond my
control. I must have finally managed to offend the cosmos, because some things
have happened to me lately that should not happen, ever, let alone to the same
person. (Sidenote: I apologize for
not talking about something more relevant, but it is what it is. I am working on a
post about The Avengers, but the fact
is that I have too many feelings about that movie to be able to write
coherently through my tears of awe, so that will have to wait until I have
managed to calm down about the glory that is Chris Evans in a skintight
American flag. Which might be six months from now. Or never. But anyway, you
get a post, at least.)
I was walking
home from work a few days ago, traipsing happily along in the sunlight, when I
happened to pass by a lovely tree. If my life were a play, this is how I
imagine the script would look.
SCENE—
Outside, summer
in Japan.
CHARACTERS—
Kimberly
A Tree
An Evil Thing
[Kimberly enters
stage right, looking very happy about the glorious weather.]
KIMBERLY: Why
hello, tree! Isn’t it beautiful outside! I sure love nature in the summer, don’t
you, tree?
[Unbeknownst to
Kimberly, An Evil Thing wakes inside the tree. The skies darken.]
KIMBERLY: Oh, tree. I love you. Let’s be best
friends.
[Kimberly reaches
up, still innocent and optimistic, and touches the tree lovingly.]
AN EVIL THING:
Attack, attack, attack!]
KIMBERLY:
Eeeeeeek! [Helpless flailing commences.]
TREE: [Stands by
and does nothing, like a douchebag.]
END SCENE.
Friends, I was
stung by a bee. But not just any bee. The cleverest bee of them all. This bee
had a plan, and it executed said plan with the kind of ruthless savagery one
would never expect from a creature with a brain the size of a quarter-grain of
rice. (Sidenote: I have no idea how
big a bee brain is.. I tried Google, but didn’t find anything. Whatever, I’m not
a scientist, and this is not a science blog. Get off my back.)
This bee flew
into the tiny space between my sunglasses and my eye, where I couldn’t swat at
it, and stung me. Right next to my eye. I proceeded to do this odd, stumbling
dance while clawing at my face right in the middle of the street. (Sidenote: I did do this right in front
of a building owned by the Japanese mafia, so I guess on the plus side, I have
probably put them off kidnapping me and selling me to some shady brothel in
Tokyo. I imagine the conversation of any watching mafia members going like
this: “Oh, look, there’s one, she looks pretty---oh. Wow, um.... you know what,
let’s just leave her where she is.”)
I finally managed
to tear my sunglasses off and swat at the bee, but I missed, so I am sure he
made it back to the colony in time to die a devious little hero surrounded by
his horrible little friends and gross little family. He was probably like the
bee version of Achilles, or something, and there are little bee pots with
pictures of him painted on the side and naked statues in marble.
I ran home as
quickly as I could, trying to remember what my mother had taught me about what
to do when a bee stings you. I remembered it was mud, and I didn’t have any mud
conveniently lying around, but I did have the next best thing: an Aztec clay
face mask. I slathered that stuff on, and then sat on my couch to wait for the
pain to subside. It did, eventually, but I am still quite shocked about the
sheer improbability of it all.
Also, the tree
and I no longer hang out.
THE END.
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