Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Series of Unfortunate Events : The Beeginning

Dear friends, I have recently been the victim of some unfortunate, and deeply improbable incidents. I feel like there is something going on here beyond my control. I must have finally managed to offend the cosmos, because some things have happened to me lately that should not happen, ever, let alone to the same person. (Sidenote: I apologize for not talking about something more relevant, but it is what it is. I am working on a post about The Avengers, but the fact is that I have too many feelings about that movie to be able to write coherently through my tears of awe, so that will have to wait until I have managed to calm down about the glory that is Chris Evans in a skintight American flag. Which might be six months from now. Or never. But anyway, you get a post, at least.)

I was walking home from work a few days ago, traipsing happily along in the sunlight, when I happened to pass by a lovely tree. If my life were a play, this is how I imagine the script would look.

Outside, summer in Japan.

A Tree
An Evil Thing

[Kimberly enters stage right, looking very happy about the glorious weather.]

KIMBERLY: Why hello, tree! Isn’t it beautiful outside! I sure love nature in the summer, don’t you, tree?

[Unbeknownst to Kimberly, An Evil Thing wakes inside the tree. The skies darken.]

 KIMBERLY: Oh, tree. I love you. Let’s be best friends.

[Kimberly reaches up, still innocent and optimistic, and touches the tree lovingly.]

AN EVIL THING: Attack, attack, attack!]

KIMBERLY: Eeeeeeek! [Helpless flailing commences.]

TREE: [Stands by and does nothing, like a douchebag.]


Friends, I was stung by a bee. But not just any bee. The cleverest bee of them all. This bee had a plan, and it executed said plan with the kind of ruthless savagery one would never expect from a creature with a brain the size of a quarter-grain of rice. (Sidenote: I have no idea how big a bee brain is.. I tried Google, but didn’t find anything. Whatever, I’m not a scientist, and this is not a science blog. Get off my back.)

This bee flew into the tiny space between my sunglasses and my eye, where I couldn’t swat at it, and stung me. Right next to my eye. I proceeded to do this odd, stumbling dance while clawing at my face right in the middle of the street. (Sidenote: I did do this right in front of a building owned by the Japanese mafia, so I guess on the plus side, I have probably put them off kidnapping me and selling me to some shady brothel in Tokyo. I imagine the conversation of any watching mafia members going like this: “Oh, look, there’s one, she looks pretty---oh. Wow, um.... you know what, let’s just leave her where she is.”)

I finally managed to tear my sunglasses off and swat at the bee, but I missed, so I am sure he made it back to the colony in time to die a devious little hero surrounded by his horrible little friends and gross little family. He was probably like the bee version of Achilles, or something, and there are little bee pots with pictures of him painted on the side and naked statues in marble.

I ran home as quickly as I could, trying to remember what my mother had taught me about what to do when a bee stings you. I remembered it was mud, and I didn’t have any mud conveniently lying around, but I did have the next best thing: an Aztec clay face mask. I slathered that stuff on, and then sat on my couch to wait for the pain to subside. It did, eventually, but I am still quite shocked about the sheer improbability of it all.

Also, the tree and I no longer hang out.


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